Is there a cure for an unhappy marriage

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Is there a cure for an unhappy marriage?

By John Kuypers
Home Relationship Coach and Author

If you live in Canada, two out of every five families on your street will fall apart in divorce. In the U.S., it's two out of four. To the surprise of many, there is no difference among Christian marriages, according to the respected U.S. research firm Barna Research. The only way a married person can avoid the devastation of divorce is to remain single!

Look up and down your street. How many of your neighbours are divorced or on their second or third marriages? On my street, the answer is two out of six families. How many of your own friends and family members are divorced? In my family, it is two out of four siblings. Divorce is the cancer of our social fabric, yet many of us feel helpless to stop the tidal wave.

Marital struggles are normal and they start early. The peak year for divorce is the fourth year of marriage when 2.6 of every 100 marriages ends, according to Statistics Canada (see first chart). By the fifteenth anniversary, 25% of all marriages have ended. Importantly, ten percent of all divorces occur after thirty or more years of marriage.

Marriage itself is at risk. The Statistics Canada chart below shows that the number of marriages in Canada has fallen by nearly 25%, from a peak of 200,000 per year in 1970 to under 150,000 today. This decline is in spite of the fact that Canada’s population has grown by nearly 50%. Even more dramatic is the fact that nearly one-quarter of all recorded marriages are actually second marriages, making first time marriages nearly half the level they were thirty years ago.

Here is why marriages are declining. Nearly two-thirds of couples under thirty begin their lives together in common-law, according to Statistics Canada. Ironically, Stats Can also shows that when common-law couples eventually marry, they are twice as likely to get divorced as married-only couples. Clearly, living in common law does not prevent divorce.

What prevents divorce? The cure for an unhappy marriage lies in a spiritual truth that was first taught over two thousand years ago. Jesus taught this relationship-saving lesson: “Do not judge or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge, you will be judged and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.”

Judgments are like a ping-pong game. He pings, and she pongs. Once hooked, he PINGS and she ferociously PONGS right back, each giving to the other in the measure in which they feel judged. When one person intentionally stops judging, the vicious cycle of relationship destruction is instantly stopped. The key is for one person to not pong when his or her partner pings. Ping, PING, PING… No pong in return. Suddenly, the emotional drama that exists in every relationship dramatically changes.

Judgments are the cancer cells in a relationship. Like rampantly splitting cells, judgments spin into a vicious cycle that grows without end. One partner snorts, “Why do we always have to do everything your way?” The other instantly retorts, “What do you mean my way? You’re the one who always gets your way, not me!” Instantly, the judgmental cycle begins. One partner lashes out angrily, blaming the other. The other responds defensively or withdraws in silence. Judgments create thick walls of emotional distance that freeze the love in a marriage over the years, like single snowflakes building up into an avalanche of hurts that inevitably lead to “sudden” divorce.

My second wife left our marriage twice, and with this spiritual teaching, we reconciled both times. I realized just how deeply hurt she felt by all the pongs I had committed. When I wanted to justify my pongs by pointing out her pings, she balked. With prayer, I realized with a broken heart that her pings did not justify my pongs. When I took ownership of what I had done, her heart softened and she began to own her pings, without me pointing them out. This was a humbling lesson for me about the true meaning of love.

Jesus said, “I did not come to judge the world but to save it.” If you want to improve your marriage, get closer to your children or an aging parent, or protect couples you love from divorce, then you will delight in this one universal spiritual truth, “Do not judge.” It’s even useful with bosses and co-workers. Preventing divorce is not a fantasy. All it takes is one person to break the ping-pong cycle of judgmental relationship destruction. Go to www.presentliving.com for more information on John Kuypers and his innovative teachings on building and re-building trust-based relationships with others & with yourself.

Buy this book. Read these testimonials. The Non-Judgmental Christian will teach you five lessons that reveal exactly how to prevent divorce, tame difficult teens and heal damaged relationships, even if only one person wants to make the effort. It's filled with 17 real-life stories that play like a video so you will see exactly how to change your relationship realities.

John Kuypers' books are available at Chapters/Indigo bookstores in Canada and worldwide via www.amazon.com www.chapters.ca or directly from the publisher at www.presentliving.com (CD's also available) John is also the author of What's Important Now: Shedding the Past So You Can Live in the Present.

John Kuypers is a relationship and leadership coach for good people who want to face tough realities.
For more information, go to www.presentliving.com or www.steadyhands.org or www.winleadership.com

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