September, 2008
with John Kuypers

When elephants fight, mice get trampled.

When parents fight, children get trampled.

One divorced dad I know said to his ex, "They don't know we're fighting."  Duh.  Children are not that dumb.   The frostiness is obvious, even to a three year old.  Let alone a teenager.

The children think it's their fault.  That's the really weird part.  "If I were a better child, they wouldn't fight," goes their unconscious mind.

When parents fight, children are put in the middle by default.  Conflicting positions means the child has to choose sides.  Imagine choosing between the two people you love most.  It's like Sophie's Choice for children.  Cruel.

Wounded children grow up to be wounded parents, who then wound their own children.  Unconsciously, of course.  It's generational.  The wound that keeps on taking.

"Taking" is the operative word. The parents are empty inside.  They need someone to fill their 'love' tank.  They can't get it from their spouse. So they take it from their children....who take it from their children... who take it from their children.

The past repeats itself.  No one much lives in the present.  No one can be 'real'.  Children must 'fake' it in order to keep their parents happy.  Indeed, the children become the parents.  They bury themselves and become what mommy and daddy need them to be.

That could be anything.  Be good at school.  Look good in public. Excel at sports.  Become invisible so as not to attract negative attention.  Or the opposite, just to get noticed by the self-absorbed parents.  It is, 'Death of an Inner Child."

It's not the parents fault.  It's their own parent's fault.  Or their spouse's.  But it is their own responsibility to end the cycle. 

How do you heal the wound within you?  You pick up a mirror, and stop lying to yourself.  You are a participant in your family's dysfunction.  If you can't see it, you're not looking hard enough.  How badly we all want to believe we are innocent and everyone else is guilty! 

This takes guts.   You can't do this alone.  Yet you can't rely on your mate to do it for you either. They are as wounded as you are.  You can't recharge batteries by plugging into an already depleted set of batteries.  You need to find fully charged batteries.  There are many choices out there - professional, personal and spiritual.  But you need to reach out.  You need to admit your need for help.  Like the alcoholic who thinks he or she can beat the booze alone, this is delusional.  You need a higher power spiritually.  You need a loving human who is willing to give you tough love.  You need to not run away - figuratively or literally. If you don't end the cycle, who will?

You're braver than you think.  Test yourself and you'll find out what you're really made of - imperfect but entirely loveable!

Learn from these videos:  http://www.youtube.com/johngkuypers  View present living topics including health, marriage, workplace and an amazing story on learning to be in the present.

Please forward this Present Living Thought to friends and colleagues.  Present living feels too good to keep it a secret!
To subscribe: Hit your reply key and type SUBSCRIBE in the subject line.
To unsubscribe:  Hit your reply key and type 'REMOVE' in the subject line.

This is a free service of Present Living & Learning, Inc.    http://www.presentliving.com    email: info@presentliving.com   Copyright 2008, All rights reserved.