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Divorce. Been there. Done that.
Roughest experience
of my life. Yours too, in all likelihood. Especially if you've
got children at home. Or money to fight over.
People
who divorce have a lot of past to let go of. What's tougher is
that the divorce itself lays down a new past, a recent past, that fuels even
more anger, resentment, bitterness, lost dreams and loneliness.
I've met divorced people who describe their divorce as if it happened this
past year. Then I find out it happened five, even ten years ago.
They still think about their ex. They notice what he/she is doing and
compare their present circumstance to what might have been, should have
been, could have been... They feel betrayed, rejected and
humiliated. They feel unlovable and not good enough.
They
may even have long, nasty legal fights, give and receive low blows designed
only to hurt - to get even, to show their ex that they will not be treated
in that way. Let's not even think about the harm happening
to the children. The message that love is bad, that relationships
are frightening and hurtful, that a parent is "doing it" to the kids.
The cost is high - financially, emotionally, mentally - even physically as
the stress of the battle wears on.
If you recognize these
symptoms, you can find help - local church groups and not-for-profit
organizations that offer courses. Excellent books out there like Bruce
Fisher's REBUILDING, and Harville Hendrix's GETTING THE LOVE YOU WANT.
All these provide insights to help come to terms with this huge loss.
Divorce is an amazing opportunity to grow as a person. If
you want to be sure you won't make the same mistakes again, learning how to
be present is the way to do it. In the present moment, the past is
gone. Not forgotten, but rather harvested for lessons, and then
let go. Otherwise, you will repeat the mistakes of the
past. What's powerful about being present is that it is a
state of love. Fear is the cause of living in the past and future.
Real love exists only in the present moment. You learn how to love when
you learn how to be present. When people are on their death beds, love
is what they think about. Did I love well? Was I loved?
Read this article about defining moments in life....
Learning
how to love again requires real change. You've got to want to do
it differently. You can just wish it. You can't just say, "Okay,
now I'm different." You've got to lift the rocks, look under the
bushes, take down the protective and elaborate defense systems you've
unconsciously built up over the years to protect yourself from getting hurt.
When you focus on being present, you learn to notice when you're doing it.
With a
Present Living coach and supporting
materials, you learn to trust yourself to love again.
Protection from hurt is protection from love.
Love means willing to get hurt. No risk = no love. Simple as that.
Learning to be present is to learn to be tougher on the inside so you can
dare to love again.
If you're fragile, distant, cautious, timid, shy, or overly aggressive - you
are fighting love. You are running away from it. Intimacy scares
you.
With our
coaching programs, we help you pick up
the mirror. See yourself. Accept yourself as you are, warts
and all. Then you discover that you are good enough - fat, skinny,
goofy or serious - no matter what others think. Then you'll have the
deep self-confidence to live, love and be You in the present moment.
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