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Transforming your marriage...one moment at a time. |
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Marriage is the biggie! Okay, maybe money is the biggie. But marriage is right up there as a source of great joy and great misery. There is no where that learning to be present is more effective than in your marriage. Every hurt, every unkind word, every failed promise, every shattered hope and dream can be found in marriage. Overcoming these and finding a way to accept the person you married AND letting them accept the person they married (that would be you, right?) - these are they keys to finding real love. Real change in marriage comes through conflict. Conflict?? YES, CONFLICT@!!!#@! No, it doesn't have to be anger and rage, though sometimes they are what's happening, whether you like it or not. Conflict is necessary because marriage is a close relationship. And the closer the relationship, the more likely that personal boundaries will clash. You know the ones. Where she puts the toothbrush. Where he leaves his clothes. How she cooks dinner (or not). Whether he is understanding enough. Whether she (or he) wants sex as much as you do. What colour to paint the bedroom. How a child should be raised. Where to spend your money. The list is endless. Conflict is how you resolve boundary differences. Conflict is how you notice when you're not present. Rarely is a fight ONLY about the present moment. It's the twentieth time he's forgotten to do what you asked. It's the hundredth time she has shut you out. All that past gets triggered sooner or later. The volcano erupts. One of you threatens to leave, or gets frighteningly angry. The intensity is ENORMOUS! By learning how to focus on the present moment, you learn how to set aside the past hurts and the future fears and focus on this moment. The present moment issue. The colour of the paint (not what his mother thinks, or how she picked the colour last time or how he ALWAYS gets his way). You learn new ways to communicate. To listen. Real listening, not just to gather information for your counter-argument. Marriage is not a court of law. THERE IS NO RIGHT OR WRONG. There is only your view and their view. Your reasons and their reasons. Your hurt and their hurt. I use oil and water in a bottle to illustrate what it is to be present in a marriage. One of you is oil. One of you is water. When I shake the bottle, that is most marriages. The oil and the water are blurred. Who is who? Which is which? No wonder you don't feel love! You've lost yourself, trying to please, cajole, bully and otherwise turn oil into water. And water into oil. In the present moment, you accept your differences. You are oil. He or she is water. One connected to the other. One affected by the other. When the water moves, so does the oil. When the oil moves, so does the water. You can't escape unless you get divorced. That's oil in one bottle and water in another bottle. OF COURSE THERE'S NO CONFLICT THEN!! I don't have conflict with my neighbours either. I don't live with them. Emotional distance = no conflict, and no intimacy either. No love. To be present in marriage is to be emotionally connected and vulnerable, without escaping into work or friends or hobbies, or addictions. Without trying to pummel the other person into changing into your idea of the ideal marriage partner. Learning to be present is to focus on YOU. How do YOU become your partner's ideal partner? When you can do that, then you have grounds to ask for changes from them. Until then, accept, accept, accept. Go to our Coaching Programs to read how the twelve doorways of The W.I.N. Way gives you tools to find real love from within yourself, rather than trying to pull, cleave or cold shoulder it out of your partner.
Is your marriage worth learning how to love?
The cost of a
Harville Hendrix, author of Finding the Love You
Want (great book!) says that in his 20+ years experience, most people
belong with the first person they married. Work it out. It's
worth it, when you have tools that will help you not only survive, but
thrive. One present moment at a time. |
